


You taught my heart (some things aren't meant to last)

by ryaelle



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, I guess angst, M/M, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, choices made when you think versus talk, insecurities at play, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 09:27:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13924242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryaelle/pseuds/ryaelle
Summary: Bobby could kneel in the house of God and justify his confessions if he destroyed himself, left gouges on Hanbin, but he could never live with himself if five others went down for such selfishness.  So Bobby chooses IKON.





	You taught my heart (some things aren't meant to last)

They had found the news out through the articles. It was surprising, YG signing on One. The word goes out through the grapevine. They don't say anything, don't text anything. At the end of the day, they're a company, not a family and to indulge in rumors and gossip was to burn your own hand. But Mino catches the tone in his voice when he asks aloud -- "You know One well? How is he?" -- and Bobby can read in his eyes what Mino doesn't say, _"they signed him for the looks before the talent."_ They drop the conversation there. They can't say what they think because they had been more unknown than One once, had probably less to offer when they joined the company but they'd built their way up. They can't judge, but they do anyway because they're human.

He welcomes One in the corridor, in the studios and Bobby can see the effort, what he puts into his work. It dispels some of the doubt in his mind, and their greetings become less awkward.

The first time he hears of it is from Raesung, working together on a song that will eventually make his solo album. They're talking about IKON's next album, and Bobby mentions Hanbin working hard, and Raesung snorts and begins to talk. The disquiet settles in for the first time then. Not that Raesung knows more about where his album stands than he does, that part's fine, he trusts Hanbin with IKON. But when Raesung mentions Hanbin and Jaewon, and Bobby doesn't know.

He pays attention after that. Walks into Hanbin's studio more often, catches Jung Jaewon in there more often. Bobby knows why it sits uneasy with him. Hanbin has been his friend for so long, so close that he feels he should have been told, should have known when a new friendship had been formed. (Knows why it wouldn't have mattered as much if it had been Jinwhan befriending Jaewon instead.)  It doesn't matter that they have no official right to each other's daily routines but it strikes Bobby hard and sharp. He tries, once, twice, thrice to blend in with them. If Jaewon notices the enthusiasm and effort to cross their remaining awkwardness, he doesn't mention it, though his eyes seem discerning at times. Bobby knows Hanbin best, can read Hanbin's moods even if all he did was twitch a finger, and that's why he knows - he's not on their wavelength even if he's in their presence. Hanbin and Jaewon had hit it off for the same reason he wasn't allowed to fit into them.

Bobby gets it. He's known Hanbin for too many years, been intertwined so deep that he can see it. Probably before Hanbin's even begun to figure out why he's so drawn to Jaewon and the kinship between them.

There's a similarity between them, Jaewon and Hanbin. A desperation for validation, the scars that failing leaves on you, the suffering they had endured as eyes and mouths said to them _"you don't belong. you're not good enough. you're here because of your looks, your company, your family's money. but not for your own talent or work."_   Bobby's got his own issues, but his aren't these. He beat these all down when he won. This is the wedge that slid in during Show Me the Money, where Bobby ascended for a short while and Hanbin stumbled, confidence taking a hit. Then came the music charts, the public opinion, the company, all of which pushed Hanbin to his knees and pointed out his failures as a leader, an idol, as IKON. Made him look at the stars and see dead things rather than beacons of light.  Made him carve a word into his chest that had Bobby's chest ache when he'd seen it, the core of his own belief system rejected in that.  (Nihilism; the rejection of all religious and moral principles, in the belief that life is meaningless.)

And Bobby couldn't help him.

So Bobby doesn't press. Doesn't ever ask why Jaewon can when he couldn't. Doesn't want to hear Hanbin tell him _"you won't understand"_ when he does. Doesn't want to know if it's the opposite, if Hanbin knows he understands but still decided he couldn't help anyway.

Hanbin and Bobby, they'll always have something. A contract and time and years of affection makes it more than what Jaewon and Hanbin are. But that was the thing with time. It could also mean Jaewon and Hanbin can grow to be more than Hanbin and Bobby are. If Bobby listens to the beating of his heart, the cracked pulses that send shards of hurt through him, he sees his fears. He knows himself. If Hanbin chooses Jaewon over him, if the balance shifts, it won't be good. Bobby is now a chained dog whose bark has been muzzled by YG, but Jiwon, Jiwon bites and relishes in the taste of flesh.

It's only going to hurt them both when it happens. (It could be an 'if' not a 'when', but that word doesn't come as easily to his mouth.)  Which would be fine. Emotions and pain are fuel for art, and both Hanbin and Bobby will make masterpieces with the blood spilled in the wake.  IKON would never survive it though.  Bobby could kneel in the house of God and justify his confessions if he destroyed himself, left gouges on Hanbin (an extension of himself) but he could never live with himself if five others went down for such selfishness.  So Bobby chooses.

He lets them go, the feelings of wanting to be the first one Hanbin leaned on in times of need, the pride when Hanbin slips under his covers, the comfort when Hanbin slips his fingers under his shirt and the desire that comes when Hanbin's lips find his own in the secret of the night.

He makes the choice for both himself and for Hanbin.  He lets go.


End file.
